You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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