Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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