Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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