I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
