I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
nutella sex= disaster
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
