she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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