apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
