I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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