I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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