Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
