someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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