Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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