hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
