Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
