I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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