Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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