FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
