his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
