Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize