Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
