just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering