Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
