Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
