You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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