i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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