This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
