I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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