Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
