She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
