Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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