I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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