she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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