38 yer olds are good kisserssss
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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