take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
