i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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