I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
