I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
