She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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