i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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