she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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