so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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