i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
