apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
