I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again