my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i drank out of a bidet.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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