She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
