I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
