my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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