Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
