Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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