I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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