and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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