I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
