My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
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