Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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