Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
