i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Two words: blizzard sex
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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