is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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