theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
