I am puke
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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